I thought it would be time for one of my rare but fun rants about arseholes all over the world. I recently moved to Finland, and so the experience is fresh in my memory.
So let's talk about people who are hated at airports.
THE SAUSAGERS
You know the zigzag line to the border control and security? You know how every person has to unload their bags, take off their shoes, and go through the metal detector? You know how the security officers wait at least 15-20 seconds before letting the next person through? Obviously, if you've ever been to an airport you will know this. So, the closer everyone lines up, it does not make it happen any faster. Yet somehow, the people (I call them the Sausagers) insist on practically smelling my shampoo when in the line. I can feel the body heat from you- now that's way too fucking close. Keep it an arms length, then you have time to run the extra metre if you absolutely have to (but you fucking won't because you have to wait and get your goddamn shit in your little fucking basket). Rule is, if you can smell my hair and I can feel the heat from your crotch...too fucking close! Asshole scale: 7/10
THE PISSERS
Okay, so now you're in the plane. I personally always choose the window seat because I only use the bathroom on extremely long flights, and I know I won't need to climb over anyone. Sometimes though, all the window seats are taken and I must sit either in the middle or in the aisle seat. Everyone hates the middle seat so we won't even discuss that. I don't mind the aisle seat either, I get to get out first. But when I am in the aisle or middle seat, and the asshole who took the window seat needs to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes, I get pissed off. That could have been my seat, and you could've gone to the bathroom 20 times in 20 minutes if you wanted! However, no, you want to look out of the window for the first 7.5 minutes and then piss me off for the rest of the flight. Take the aisle seat, pisser. Asshole scale: 9.5/10
There is also the junior variation of this, when parents stick their kids in the window seat, and the kids scream AND need to run off every few minutes. Asshole scale: 10/10
THE BUSINESS ASSHOLE
This is the guy who is constantly on the phone, powerwalking around the airport with his little wheeled luggage, and this "I am so important" look on his face. This is the guy who will ram into you with his wheels while you're taking a leisurely stroll down terminal 1, and then glare at you because he hates his life. Listen fuckhead, unless they are announcing your name "Fuckface, the plane is now waiting for you please report to gate 23," you have no reason to be strutting your misery all over us. Go sit in a bar, shout at your employee there, have a beer, chill out. Hate your wife and boss, not the rest of us. Fuck you. Asshole scale: 4/10
THE INTRUDER
Finally, the intruder. This is the guy who sleeps on your side! You know what I mean. You're watching a film, or reading your book, and sometimes even eating, and you start feeling a pressure on one of your sides. No, you're not having a heartattack. It's the idiot next to you who fell asleep and is now leaning on you. You can't really push them away, what if they wake up? Then you're an asshole and they feel embarrassed. You can't wake them up either, same reason. I always just exaggerate myself, and lean all the way to one side, so when they wake up, they feel shit and won't fall asleep again. Asshole scale: 6/10
Well that's my biggest hates for now. If you know any more, please let me know and I will add them to the list! Over.
So let's talk about people who are hated at airports.
THE SAUSAGERS
You know the zigzag line to the border control and security? You know how every person has to unload their bags, take off their shoes, and go through the metal detector? You know how the security officers wait at least 15-20 seconds before letting the next person through? Obviously, if you've ever been to an airport you will know this. So, the closer everyone lines up, it does not make it happen any faster. Yet somehow, the people (I call them the Sausagers) insist on practically smelling my shampoo when in the line. I can feel the body heat from you- now that's way too fucking close. Keep it an arms length, then you have time to run the extra metre if you absolutely have to (but you fucking won't because you have to wait and get your goddamn shit in your little fucking basket). Rule is, if you can smell my hair and I can feel the heat from your crotch...too fucking close! Asshole scale: 7/10
THE PISSERS
Okay, so now you're in the plane. I personally always choose the window seat because I only use the bathroom on extremely long flights, and I know I won't need to climb over anyone. Sometimes though, all the window seats are taken and I must sit either in the middle or in the aisle seat. Everyone hates the middle seat so we won't even discuss that. I don't mind the aisle seat either, I get to get out first. But when I am in the aisle or middle seat, and the asshole who took the window seat needs to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes, I get pissed off. That could have been my seat, and you could've gone to the bathroom 20 times in 20 minutes if you wanted! However, no, you want to look out of the window for the first 7.5 minutes and then piss me off for the rest of the flight. Take the aisle seat, pisser. Asshole scale: 9.5/10
There is also the junior variation of this, when parents stick their kids in the window seat, and the kids scream AND need to run off every few minutes. Asshole scale: 10/10
THE BUSINESS ASSHOLE
This is the guy who is constantly on the phone, powerwalking around the airport with his little wheeled luggage, and this "I am so important" look on his face. This is the guy who will ram into you with his wheels while you're taking a leisurely stroll down terminal 1, and then glare at you because he hates his life. Listen fuckhead, unless they are announcing your name "Fuckface, the plane is now waiting for you please report to gate 23," you have no reason to be strutting your misery all over us. Go sit in a bar, shout at your employee there, have a beer, chill out. Hate your wife and boss, not the rest of us. Fuck you. Asshole scale: 4/10
THE INTRUDER
Finally, the intruder. This is the guy who sleeps on your side! You know what I mean. You're watching a film, or reading your book, and sometimes even eating, and you start feeling a pressure on one of your sides. No, you're not having a heartattack. It's the idiot next to you who fell asleep and is now leaning on you. You can't really push them away, what if they wake up? Then you're an asshole and they feel embarrassed. You can't wake them up either, same reason. I always just exaggerate myself, and lean all the way to one side, so when they wake up, they feel shit and won't fall asleep again. Asshole scale: 6/10
Well that's my biggest hates for now. If you know any more, please let me know and I will add them to the list! Over.
this was hilarious!
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