For some time now I've started to realise I don't like who I am, not entirely anyway.
I like the music I listen to, and I like the clothes I like (but not necessarily the clothes I have).
But I don't like that I can't say what I want to say, or do what I want to do. I wait and I think about it, weigh out the odds and evens and then decide never to do it, or never to say it, no matter how much I want to. I guess you could call it being shy. I say it's stupid.
And I don't like smoking up anymore. I think I'm done with that.
And I don't want to smoke anymore. I think I'm done with that.
I don't like that I don't accept what I have, or don't have. I don't really have money, but it shouldn't matter. I'll never be really pretty, but that's okay, since some people don't only judge you (or in this case, me) on that. I'll never be tall. I'll always have really small feet. I'm quite good at maths. I'm okay in art. I love to read books, but I don't all the time because I'm really lazy.
I watch documentaries and weird, girly shows. I can't eat a sandwich without salad in it.
I get really paranoid about people.
This was more of a self-therapy session.
Friday, 30 April 2010
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Sister sister
I wish I had a sister. Then I could tell her all the stuff that's bothering me and not bothering me and she would actually listen, and vice versa.
Stuff that would make us happy.
And not happy.
I want a sister who's a year or two older or younger.
Stuff that would make us happy.
And not happy.
I want a sister who's a year or two older or younger.
Monday, 26 April 2010
A monday evening, or morning somewhere in the world
I sat down to read Cat Among the Pigeons by Agatha Christie about 20 minutes ago, and as I always do when I read, I made coffee. I walked over to the fridge to take out the milk, skimmed as always due to a constant paranoia evident in 80% of teenage girls. Then contrary to that paranoia I walked over to the other side of the kitchen and took out the sugar pot and proceeded to insert milk and a teaspoonfull of sugar into my cup. Anyway, away with all this boring "let me tell you how to make coffee like a pro" stuff, and let me get to the point.
I had a thought.
Now, I'll tell you that when I have thoughts I completely discard any scientific proof of anything, and such a thing as logic and common sense no longer exist.
I thought of all the people I've known and began to care for over the years, and how I no longer really remember them. I remember their names and faces but I don't remember them. I thought about the people I've forgotten and it got me to wonder
WHAT IF, when living in a completely irrational world
what if there is a limit to how many people you can know or remember? A limit to how much you can remember in general? Once you come close to that limit your mind automatically begins to backtrack and erase details of people you no longer need in your life. Like you do with the temp file and old school projects on your computer. Or you should, anyway.
And if you were to somehow get out of control. When you think and when you remember too much, and your mind begins to crash.
Leading to alzheimers. Or parkinson's. Your body, YOU would begin to tell yourself it's too dangerous to remember all this and so your mind crashes.
Yeah. This is what I think of when I drink coffee.
I had a thought.
Now, I'll tell you that when I have thoughts I completely discard any scientific proof of anything, and such a thing as logic and common sense no longer exist.
I thought of all the people I've known and began to care for over the years, and how I no longer really remember them. I remember their names and faces but I don't remember them. I thought about the people I've forgotten and it got me to wonder
WHAT IF, when living in a completely irrational world
what if there is a limit to how many people you can know or remember? A limit to how much you can remember in general? Once you come close to that limit your mind automatically begins to backtrack and erase details of people you no longer need in your life. Like you do with the temp file and old school projects on your computer. Or you should, anyway.
And if you were to somehow get out of control. When you think and when you remember too much, and your mind begins to crash.
Leading to alzheimers. Or parkinson's. Your body, YOU would begin to tell yourself it's too dangerous to remember all this and so your mind crashes.
Yeah. This is what I think of when I drink coffee.
Sunday, 25 April 2010
Bad Boys
If anyone here has some decent taste in movies, or at least a taste similar to mine, check out the following films:
VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
Two girlfriends on a summer holiday in Spain become enamored with the same painter, unaware that his ex-wife, with whom he has a tempestuous relationship, is about to re-enter the picture. (imdb.com)
THE VIRGIN SUICIDES
A group of male friends become obsessed with a group of mysterious sisters who are sheltered by their strict, religious parents after one of them commits suicide. (imdb.com)
BAD EDUCATION
An examination on the effect of Franco-era religious schooling and sexual abuse on the lives of two longtime friends. (imdb.com)
BRAZIL
A bureaucrat in a retro-future world tries to correct an administrative error and himself becomes an enemy of the state. (imdb.com)
HOPE AND GLORY
A semiautobiographical project by John Boorman about a nine year old boy called Bill as he grows up in London during the blitz of World War 2. (imdb.com)
VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA
Two girlfriends on a summer holiday in Spain become enamored with the same painter, unaware that his ex-wife, with whom he has a tempestuous relationship, is about to re-enter the picture. (imdb.com)
THE VIRGIN SUICIDES
A group of male friends become obsessed with a group of mysterious sisters who are sheltered by their strict, religious parents after one of them commits suicide. (imdb.com)
BAD EDUCATION
An examination on the effect of Franco-era religious schooling and sexual abuse on the lives of two longtime friends. (imdb.com)
BRAZIL
A bureaucrat in a retro-future world tries to correct an administrative error and himself becomes an enemy of the state. (imdb.com)
HOPE AND GLORY
A semiautobiographical project by John Boorman about a nine year old boy called Bill as he grows up in London during the blitz of World War 2. (imdb.com)
Libertinaje
My stepmother called me a libertinaje today. It's pronounced "lee-burr-tea-na-hey" and it's Spanish for:
"A disrespectful attitude towards the law; a person who abuses his/her own moral and ethical boundaries"
I want to tell you I have no respect towards the law. I want to tell you I have no ethical or moral boundaries that are known by others but to be quite honest I can't completely lie to you either. This is the internet, and here it's acceptable to lay so much bullshit on a chocolate cake even Hellen Keller's anosmic cousin would be able to tell. (Think about it, it makes sense. Or maybe I'm just really tired).
The worst part is, being called a libertinaje, or I guess in English it's libertine, I didn't feel offended but I felt like I should have been offended. Which is pretty damn close to actually being offended. I even know it's not true because I do have ethical and moral boundaries, but they're not based on the law, or any religion/group/cult/whatever. They are based on what I want to or do not want to do, or what does or does not make me feel like shit.
With that said I won't bore you with my boundaries and such things, especially since they're quite ridiculous.
But I won't leave you either.
It's occured to me that different things coming from different people mean different things to me. When my stepmother calls me a libertine I almost feel offended. I feel like she's calling me a junkie, an alcoholic, a slag, a murderer, a thief and everything else you can imagine at the same time. However if someone else were to call me a libertine, I'd feel like I'm being called strong willed and take-no-crap-from-no-fascist-pig-dick-heads, or something equivalent.
Yet neither is right, and neither is wrong.
It might not be sunny but it doesn't mean it's bad weather.
On another note, yet on the same composition, I still have continuing mental ambiguosity about the same issue as on previous blogposts.
If a fly is trapped in a spiderweb, how does it get out?
But who is to say I'm a fly and what I might fly into is a spiderweb?
Why must I compare myself to a fly when I could compare myself to a whale?
Instead of flying into a spiderweb I can join another whale for a ride.
I don't need to wrestle free before being served for 5pm tea, I could just swim away when I need to. If I need to.
Who is to say it's a fly and a spider and a web?
It can be a whale and a whale and the big blue ocean, vast and open and beautiful, awaiting more chances if this one doesn't work.
I think I'm just a coward when it comes to these things.
Let's get some alcohol into this short body of mine, and allow for some emotional growth.
"A disrespectful attitude towards the law; a person who abuses his/her own moral and ethical boundaries"
I want to tell you I have no respect towards the law. I want to tell you I have no ethical or moral boundaries that are known by others but to be quite honest I can't completely lie to you either. This is the internet, and here it's acceptable to lay so much bullshit on a chocolate cake even Hellen Keller's anosmic cousin would be able to tell. (Think about it, it makes sense. Or maybe I'm just really tired).
The worst part is, being called a libertinaje, or I guess in English it's libertine, I didn't feel offended but I felt like I should have been offended. Which is pretty damn close to actually being offended. I even know it's not true because I do have ethical and moral boundaries, but they're not based on the law, or any religion/group/cult/whatever. They are based on what I want to or do not want to do, or what does or does not make me feel like shit.
With that said I won't bore you with my boundaries and such things, especially since they're quite ridiculous.
But I won't leave you either.
It's occured to me that different things coming from different people mean different things to me. When my stepmother calls me a libertine I almost feel offended. I feel like she's calling me a junkie, an alcoholic, a slag, a murderer, a thief and everything else you can imagine at the same time. However if someone else were to call me a libertine, I'd feel like I'm being called strong willed and take-no-crap-from-no-fascist-pig-dick-heads, or something equivalent.
Yet neither is right, and neither is wrong.
It might not be sunny but it doesn't mean it's bad weather.
On another note, yet on the same composition, I still have continuing mental ambiguosity about the same issue as on previous blogposts.
If a fly is trapped in a spiderweb, how does it get out?
But who is to say I'm a fly and what I might fly into is a spiderweb?
Why must I compare myself to a fly when I could compare myself to a whale?
Instead of flying into a spiderweb I can join another whale for a ride.
I don't need to wrestle free before being served for 5pm tea, I could just swim away when I need to. If I need to.
Who is to say it's a fly and a spider and a web?
It can be a whale and a whale and the big blue ocean, vast and open and beautiful, awaiting more chances if this one doesn't work.
I think I'm just a coward when it comes to these things.
Let's get some alcohol into this short body of mine, and allow for some emotional growth.
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Lame
I recently found a fanpage on facebook called "60 things a girl wants but won't tell you" or something to that tune. I've copy&pasted that whole list, and am here to straighten some shit out because really, there is no girl on earth this soft. This page must have been either created by a really lonely girl, or a guy who thinks he knows women.
So it's time for some true and false here.
1. Touch her waist. T
2. Actually talk to her. T
3. Share secrets with her. T
4. Give her 1 of your sweatshirts
This one is more complicated. Don't just randomly give her a sweatshirt. If she's cold/in your bed in the morning and has nothing to wear, and you don't mind, then by all means go for it.
5. Kiss her slowly. T
6. Hug her. T
7. Hold her. T, not all the time though.
8. Laugh with her. Only if it's funny
9. Invite her everywhere. Not necessary.
10. Hangout with her and your friends together. Not really necessary either, though it can be useful.
11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her. Who the hell puts this in here? Some like it, some don't. Personally I don't mind at all but not all girls want to take pictures of themselves all the time.
13. Pull her onto your lap. But not in a creepy grabby way that seems more like rape.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back. It can be cute, but then it can get awkward because you get to the point where either you think "Maybe they're right" or "If I'm right, then they might leave me." Yeah.
15. When her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and hug her tight so she can't get to her friends. it makes her feel loved. Doesn't really matter.
16. Always hug her and say hi whenever you see her. Not always necessary, but don't just ignore. That's not cool anymore.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly. T
18. Hug her from behind around the waist. T
19. Tell her she's beautiful. If you think so.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her. Once in a while, not all the time.
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car (if any)- it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman. This is fine, just not too much because it can get overbearing.
22. Tell her she's your everything - ONLY if you mean it. Don't. It's far too much pressure for anyone who's not Romeo and Juliet or a married couple.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her- if she denies something being wrong, it means she doesnt want to talk about it - so just hug her. T
24. Make her feel loved. T
25. Kiss her in front of other girls you know. Don't. This will make it seem like you've got some sort of point to prove to the girls you know. Don't kiss her in a showing off manner, but maybe just quickly, no heavy PDA needed, really. Plus she won't appreciate being treated like some skank in front of other females.
26. DON'T lie to her. Well, this really depends on the girl. I think everyone lies, but I still always trust people. Just don't lie for the purpose of evul!
27. DON'T cheat on her! T
28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants. Umn, don't. Girls like nice guys, not softies, and not wussies who do everything for them. It's good to go where she wants, but don't go everywhere, and every time. Unless she goes with you also.
29. Text messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at work {or school}, and how much you MISS her. If you're going to see them that day, don't. And if you don't, then you can, but don't make it creepy.
30. Be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need you, just be there so she'll know that she can always count on you. T
31. Hold her close when she's cold so she can hold you too. T
32. When you are ALONE hold her close and kiss her. T
33. Kiss her on the cheek: (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her). Or you can just kiss her.
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly. T
35. Dont ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If shes upset, comfort her. This really only applies to girls who are very insecure with themselves, because this doesn't affect me. If it's jokingly, who cares? Unless you're a dick.
36. When people diss her, stand up for her. T, when it's serious.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her. Only if you mean it, and if you've been together for awhile.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so you can cuddle. Well, yeah okay.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand. T
40. When you hug her hold her in your arms as long as possible. No, it can get uncomfortable and longwinded. Do it for a comfortable period of time, and when you're alone. Not in the middle of a crowded room with people wondering why you're hugging for 20 minutes.
41. Call or text her every night to wish her sweet dreams. Absolutely not necessary. It can be nice, but it can also be fucking clingy.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears. T
43. Take her for long walks at night. On occasion, not too much.
44. Always remind her how much you love her. Again, ONLY if you mean it and only if she responds to your feelings.
45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while sitting on her. Yeah I'm not exactly sure what's being described here, but it doesn't sound bad.
46. Rub her back it feels good Sometimes.
47. Give her your coat if she's cold,thats always cute Unless you're fucking freezing.
48. Write letters on her back with your finger it feels good It really does.
49. Let her sit on your lap Even if she's 400kg.
50. Dont poke her hard...but if you want to mess around just do it lightly. T
51. Hold her hand in public T, but you don't need to if around friends.
52. Even if she looks bad one day tell her she's Beautiful No, don't. Tell her she's beautiful when she is beautiful.
53. Keep conversations flowing...talk about anything usually they just go along with it. Sometimes silence is golden.
54. If their hair is in their face move it out of her face and then kiss her passionatley and gently. T
55. Surprisingly sneek up on her and hug her from behind. Unless it seems like rape.
56. Kiss her in the rain. It's actually not that nice.
57. Pick her up like in The Notebook and kiss her. Unless you can't lift her.
58. Slow dance with no music T
59. Don't ignore her or be nervous around her--everything is going to be okay. T
60. Love her, kiss her, hold her, and you'll be good to go. ;D
So I thought that since that's a lot of truth, but also a lot of crap, it would be easier for me to just put a list here of stuff you DON'T need to do
So it's time for some true and false here.
1. Touch her waist. T
2. Actually talk to her. T
3. Share secrets with her. T
4. Give her 1 of your sweatshirts
This one is more complicated. Don't just randomly give her a sweatshirt. If she's cold/in your bed in the morning and has nothing to wear, and you don't mind, then by all means go for it.
5. Kiss her slowly. T
6. Hug her. T
7. Hold her. T, not all the time though.
8. Laugh with her. Only if it's funny
9. Invite her everywhere. Not necessary.
10. Hangout with her and your friends together. Not really necessary either, though it can be useful.
11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her. Who the hell puts this in here? Some like it, some don't. Personally I don't mind at all but not all girls want to take pictures of themselves all the time.
13. Pull her onto your lap. But not in a creepy grabby way that seems more like rape.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back. It can be cute, but then it can get awkward because you get to the point where either you think "Maybe they're right" or "If I'm right, then they might leave me." Yeah.
15. When her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and hug her tight so she can't get to her friends. it makes her feel loved. Doesn't really matter.
16. Always hug her and say hi whenever you see her. Not always necessary, but don't just ignore. That's not cool anymore.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly. T
18. Hug her from behind around the waist. T
19. Tell her she's beautiful. If you think so.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her. Once in a while, not all the time.
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car (if any)- it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman. This is fine, just not too much because it can get overbearing.
22. Tell her she's your everything - ONLY if you mean it. Don't. It's far too much pressure for anyone who's not Romeo and Juliet or a married couple.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her- if she denies something being wrong, it means she doesnt want to talk about it - so just hug her. T
24. Make her feel loved. T
25. Kiss her in front of other girls you know. Don't. This will make it seem like you've got some sort of point to prove to the girls you know. Don't kiss her in a showing off manner, but maybe just quickly, no heavy PDA needed, really. Plus she won't appreciate being treated like some skank in front of other females.
26. DON'T lie to her. Well, this really depends on the girl. I think everyone lies, but I still always trust people. Just don't lie for the purpose of evul!
27. DON'T cheat on her! T
28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants. Umn, don't. Girls like nice guys, not softies, and not wussies who do everything for them. It's good to go where she wants, but don't go everywhere, and every time. Unless she goes with you also.
29. Text messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at work {or school}, and how much you MISS her. If you're going to see them that day, don't. And if you don't, then you can, but don't make it creepy.
30. Be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need you, just be there so she'll know that she can always count on you. T
31. Hold her close when she's cold so she can hold you too. T
32. When you are ALONE hold her close and kiss her. T
33. Kiss her on the cheek: (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her). Or you can just kiss her.
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly. T
35. Dont ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If shes upset, comfort her. This really only applies to girls who are very insecure with themselves, because this doesn't affect me. If it's jokingly, who cares? Unless you're a dick.
36. When people diss her, stand up for her. T, when it's serious.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her. Only if you mean it, and if you've been together for awhile.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so you can cuddle. Well, yeah okay.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand. T
40. When you hug her hold her in your arms as long as possible. No, it can get uncomfortable and longwinded. Do it for a comfortable period of time, and when you're alone. Not in the middle of a crowded room with people wondering why you're hugging for 20 minutes.
41. Call or text her every night to wish her sweet dreams. Absolutely not necessary. It can be nice, but it can also be fucking clingy.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears. T
43. Take her for long walks at night. On occasion, not too much.
44. Always remind her how much you love her. Again, ONLY if you mean it and only if she responds to your feelings.
45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while sitting on her. Yeah I'm not exactly sure what's being described here, but it doesn't sound bad.
46. Rub her back it feels good Sometimes.
47. Give her your coat if she's cold,thats always cute Unless you're fucking freezing.
48. Write letters on her back with your finger it feels good It really does.
49. Let her sit on your lap Even if she's 400kg.
50. Dont poke her hard...but if you want to mess around just do it lightly. T
51. Hold her hand in public T, but you don't need to if around friends.
52. Even if she looks bad one day tell her she's Beautiful No, don't. Tell her she's beautiful when she is beautiful.
53. Keep conversations flowing...talk about anything usually they just go along with it. Sometimes silence is golden.
54. If their hair is in their face move it out of her face and then kiss her passionatley and gently. T
55. Surprisingly sneek up on her and hug her from behind. Unless it seems like rape.
56. Kiss her in the rain. It's actually not that nice.
57. Pick her up like in The Notebook and kiss her. Unless you can't lift her.
58. Slow dance with no music T
59. Don't ignore her or be nervous around her--everything is going to be okay. T
60. Love her, kiss her, hold her, and you'll be good to go. ;D
So I thought that since that's a lot of truth, but also a lot of crap, it would be easier for me to just put a list here of stuff you DON'T need to do
- Tell her you love her all the time
- Stalk her
- Show her off to your friends
- Worship her
- Brag to your friends about your sex life, right in front of her
- Do everything she wants
- Eat her bedsheets
- Poke holes in condoms just because you want all her babies
- Do everything for her
- Be a prick on purpose and think it'll get you somewhere
- Constantly hang around her
- Get jealous about everything
- Steal her panties, wank off to them and then steal them
- Make out all the time
- Give her herspes, clamydia, any other STI, HIV, AIDS or babies.
- Organise a threesome with another girl without consulting her first.
Sunday, 18 April 2010
Sundays are full of lame
In Finland we like to call Sundays "sacred days," but I'd much rather call them dead days.
Today has slithered by with such pace that a crippled snail would feel like a cheetah, and it's still only 3pm. The sun is bright and scorching, it's burning my skin and considering whether it should give me a melanoma today or tomorrow, or whether I'm even worth one. The patio, or the roof as I call it because it is a roof, not a patio, smells like piss and buttercups due to a rather large number of dogs, cats, and little children. They don't live with us, the roof is joined. Almost open to everyone.
There are thin little glass barriers between the houses.
Once my neighbour walked out while I was up there with my bathrobe, computer and a cup of coffee. He walked right out without saying a word, and I wonder if he's scared of coming on the roof now.
Across the river there is a little clothes shop where a model by the name of Ilanka borrows her modelling clothes. I always see her posing in her super long legs legs attached to super high heels and super short skirts, always in the same spot, same pose. She's 19. I wonder where she lives.
I have to do CAS for my school. I think I'll go to the park and pick up some dog shit, old cans and cigarette butts for a few hours. The little granny on the bench can sign as supervisor. I'm asbolutely serious.
Okay, maybe not.
I wish I had a sewing machine. If I had a sewing machine I could sew my clothes, and change and manipulate and destroy and create. Plus I never have money, so it would be cheaper. I already sew lots of my clothes, but ancient style with a simple needle and thread, and I'd be lying to you if I said it looks good at all.
If I had a sewing machine I would buy a cheap vintage dress from a second hand shop like Episode or Etsy or even fucking Ebay, or two, then merge them together to create something that I love, and that I can wear. To the gala, for example.
Because I have nothing nice to wear to the gala.
And I have no money.
So I hope I get lucky.
But I always get lucky.
In the end.
I think the sun is telling me to leave now.
Today has slithered by with such pace that a crippled snail would feel like a cheetah, and it's still only 3pm. The sun is bright and scorching, it's burning my skin and considering whether it should give me a melanoma today or tomorrow, or whether I'm even worth one. The patio, or the roof as I call it because it is a roof, not a patio, smells like piss and buttercups due to a rather large number of dogs, cats, and little children. They don't live with us, the roof is joined. Almost open to everyone.
There are thin little glass barriers between the houses.
Once my neighbour walked out while I was up there with my bathrobe, computer and a cup of coffee. He walked right out without saying a word, and I wonder if he's scared of coming on the roof now.
Across the river there is a little clothes shop where a model by the name of Ilanka borrows her modelling clothes. I always see her posing in her super long legs legs attached to super high heels and super short skirts, always in the same spot, same pose. She's 19. I wonder where she lives.
I have to do CAS for my school. I think I'll go to the park and pick up some dog shit, old cans and cigarette butts for a few hours. The little granny on the bench can sign as supervisor. I'm asbolutely serious.
Okay, maybe not.
I wish I had a sewing machine. If I had a sewing machine I could sew my clothes, and change and manipulate and destroy and create. Plus I never have money, so it would be cheaper. I already sew lots of my clothes, but ancient style with a simple needle and thread, and I'd be lying to you if I said it looks good at all.
If I had a sewing machine I would buy a cheap vintage dress from a second hand shop like Episode or Etsy or even fucking Ebay, or two, then merge them together to create something that I love, and that I can wear. To the gala, for example.
Because I have nothing nice to wear to the gala.
And I have no money.
So I hope I get lucky.
But I always get lucky.
In the end.
I think the sun is telling me to leave now.
What I don't give a fuck about, and you should not either
JUSTIN BIEBER
When I say not giving a fuck, I mean literally, not giving a FUCK. This means not hating on him because that means you give enough of a fuck to actually listen to him, look at him, and judge him. It's much easier to just dismiss him. Thing is, actually making an effort to diss Justin Bieber makes it seem as if you care enough to diss him, meaning you care, leading me to the conclusion that either you're a closet fan, or fucking jealous.
HANNAH MONTANA/MILEY CYRUS
Same as for Bieber. Though I have to say some of Cyrus's comments are pretty fucking hilarious, so I do watch some of her interviews for the lulz.
JONAS BROTHERS, OR ANY NEW HATED DISNEY CELEBRITY
See above.
VIRGINITY
This is in my opinion one of the dumbest things people give a fuck about. What makes it worse is when girls make a bigger deal out of it. I mean, I understand the whole purity thing to a certain extent. I completely understand not having sex until you fall in love/care enough about that person/are mature enough/insert good reason here, but I really don't understand people being shocked or surprised over it. I especially don't understand people being raged over it. But I'll leave this here. Questions?
WHAT SHOWS SOMEONE WATCHES
Really? Watching Gossip Girl does not make anyone any lamer, or cooler. Same with America's Next Top Model, Skins, Chuck, House MD, Hannah fucking Montana, etc. It doesn't define you, it defines what entertains us.
CELEBRITY NEWS
Why?
HATERRRRRS
Why?
I was going to add more, but I couldn't be bothered. This is what happens when you don't care, you forget what you don't care about.
An average person gives 60% too much of a fuck.
When I say not giving a fuck, I mean literally, not giving a FUCK. This means not hating on him because that means you give enough of a fuck to actually listen to him, look at him, and judge him. It's much easier to just dismiss him. Thing is, actually making an effort to diss Justin Bieber makes it seem as if you care enough to diss him, meaning you care, leading me to the conclusion that either you're a closet fan, or fucking jealous.
HANNAH MONTANA/MILEY CYRUS
Same as for Bieber. Though I have to say some of Cyrus's comments are pretty fucking hilarious, so I do watch some of her interviews for the lulz.
JONAS BROTHERS, OR ANY NEW HATED DISNEY CELEBRITY
See above.
VIRGINITY
This is in my opinion one of the dumbest things people give a fuck about. What makes it worse is when girls make a bigger deal out of it. I mean, I understand the whole purity thing to a certain extent. I completely understand not having sex until you fall in love/care enough about that person/are mature enough/insert good reason here, but I really don't understand people being shocked or surprised over it. I especially don't understand people being raged over it. But I'll leave this here. Questions?
WHAT SHOWS SOMEONE WATCHES
Really? Watching Gossip Girl does not make anyone any lamer, or cooler. Same with America's Next Top Model, Skins, Chuck, House MD, Hannah fucking Montana, etc. It doesn't define you, it defines what entertains us.
CELEBRITY NEWS
Why?
HATERRRRRS
Why?
I was going to add more, but I couldn't be bothered. This is what happens when you don't care, you forget what you don't care about.
An average person gives 60% too much of a fuck.
Friday, 16 April 2010
God
I think this is the time I talk about my belief. This was prompted by a discussion I'm having at this very moment with one of my very best friends, Gabi.
I'll keep her opinions and views out of this because it's not my place to say.
Here's something to get me started
Free will is a huge thing, because it's not only something I believe exists somewhere, but it's something that we all need. When I say free will I don't mean free to go kill some guy, or drop acid in a dumpster. I mean being able to do anything one wants to do, and not feeling guilt or being punished OR REWARDED for it. Obviously it's not good for say, killing people and rape and violence and all that, but that also depends on where you're looking at.
A rapist might not consider rape as being bad.
So how did I get from religion to rape? Beats me.
I might elaborate sometime, but right now, I'm beat. :) Have a happy Friday guys.
I'll keep her opinions and views out of this because it's not my place to say.
Here's something to get me started
- I do not belong to or believe or follow any established religion
- I do not believe in any intelligent being responsible for the creation of humankind/the world, etc.
- I do not believe there to be any intelligent being watching over us and/or judging us
- I won't completely reject anything, but I will not embrace it either
- The reason for this is that all religion is written by man. It's organised, and the rules, theories, beliefs are 99% man made, reflecting the beliefs and desires of man hundreds and thousands of years ago. One man's fries are another man's death. Or something like that. Meaning that views change from person to person, and generation to generation. Idiotic prejudices don't apply anymore, and anyone who believes of embraces any organised religion either does it as a defense mechanism, or is a fucking idiot. Now, I have friends who are religious, very religious in fact, but they know enought to keep it the fuck out of around me. One of the things I despise most is organised religion. It can make people do the most inhumane things ever heard of. The theories found in the bible, ku'ran, etc. are all conflicting and innaplicable to modern life. I'm going to leave this at this, because if I get too into it, this will never end.
- So we've heard lots of theories as to why there would be no intelligent being in charge of creating human kind. Biggest contradiction to this: FUCKING EVOLUTIONARY THEORY. I'm not going to elaborate on this, because honestly if there's anyone out there who has been taught the evolutionary theory and still refuses to accept it as at least the basis of the truth is pretty stupid. But now now, I don't want to offend anyone.
- This is simply because all the bad shit going on. War, disease, natural disaster, violation, etcetc. If all of this was against "God's" law, then why would it be possible? Don't answer that. I'm getting kind of tired now, explaining all of this. Now on to number 4
- Now, I say that I do not believe in god, and I do not believe in any organised religion, or any unproven theory created by man. That doesn't mean though, that I reject everything. For example, I could very easily consider a universal energy that encompasses all living and possibly nonliving things, which would be like the origin of everything. But that doens't make it intelligent or conscious. I can believe that there is something superior to mankind, easily. I don't think that whatever that is is watching over us or even gives a flying shit about us.
- Love
- Mankind (People, duh)
- Nature
- Free will, and our power to do anything
- Knowledge
- Healing through energy (Reiki, etc.).
- Science, in general. (That which is unproven shall remain untrue until it is proven). Or at least makes a lot of sense.
Free will is a huge thing, because it's not only something I believe exists somewhere, but it's something that we all need. When I say free will I don't mean free to go kill some guy, or drop acid in a dumpster. I mean being able to do anything one wants to do, and not feeling guilt or being punished OR REWARDED for it. Obviously it's not good for say, killing people and rape and violence and all that, but that also depends on where you're looking at.
A rapist might not consider rape as being bad.
So how did I get from religion to rape? Beats me.
I might elaborate sometime, but right now, I'm beat. :) Have a happy Friday guys.
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
Second part
Of the Backstabber Extracts is up.
RIGHT HERE. CLICK HERE. DO IT. GO. NO STUPID, HERE. YES, HERE. COME ON, HERE. OKAY GOOD.
RIGHT HERE. CLICK HERE. DO IT. GO. NO STUPID, HERE. YES, HERE. COME ON, HERE. OKAY GOOD.
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
Na na na
These past few days I've had absolutely nothing to write about. I still don't have anything to write about, at all.
It's starting to get warm here in Holland, the hub of modern Europe, according to my awesome hippie-esque ex-art teacher. What I really love about Holland is that there is so much art here. Anyone who even remotely knows me, knows I'm not just a regular nerd, I am specifically an art nerd.
I can go see old art, modern art, but most of all my ultimate passion... buildings. Well not my ultimate passion, but something I really like, is buildings. My favourite type are really old buildings, such as those found in Aantwerpen, Belgium. Rotterdam is more modern architecture, which is something I also love. The reason as to why most of the buildings here in Rotterdam are newer than expected is because the whole city was raped by Nazis in the second world war. Okay no, not literally raped you dirty, disgusting perverts.
Just bombed to the fucking floor.
My favourite buildings here are the World Trade Centre, this unknown building behind the boat, this part here, which is right behind my house and I love it. There's other ones too but I can't find them on the site I'm looking at.
However, there's also this bridge, the Erasmus bridge, which is right outside my house. (All pics from same artist, who is not me, btw).
Yeah, long story short, I like this city.
Here's a really awesome photographer I just found.
Anyway, what else today? Family guy marathons, funfunfun.
Hitler's birthday is coming up. Funfunfun.
Kay forum, I'm out.
It's starting to get warm here in Holland, the hub of modern Europe, according to my awesome hippie-esque ex-art teacher. What I really love about Holland is that there is so much art here. Anyone who even remotely knows me, knows I'm not just a regular nerd, I am specifically an art nerd.
I can go see old art, modern art, but most of all my ultimate passion... buildings. Well not my ultimate passion, but something I really like, is buildings. My favourite type are really old buildings, such as those found in Aantwerpen, Belgium. Rotterdam is more modern architecture, which is something I also love. The reason as to why most of the buildings here in Rotterdam are newer than expected is because the whole city was raped by Nazis in the second world war. Okay no, not literally raped you dirty, disgusting perverts.
Just bombed to the fucking floor.
My favourite buildings here are the World Trade Centre, this unknown building behind the boat, this part here, which is right behind my house and I love it. There's other ones too but I can't find them on the site I'm looking at.
However, there's also this bridge, the Erasmus bridge, which is right outside my house. (All pics from same artist, who is not me, btw).
Yeah, long story short, I like this city.
Here's a really awesome photographer I just found.
Anyway, what else today? Family guy marathons, funfunfun.
Hitler's birthday is coming up. Funfunfun.
Kay forum, I'm out.
Sunday, 11 April 2010
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Musik
I have nothing to say anymore. So instead I'll leave you all with some music to check out, again.
For anyone who loves dubstep, you must check out the
Shambhala 2009 Mix by Excision, which can be downloaded off their myspace here.
The song is an hour and a half long, but it's worth the wait. Referred to me by Hugo!
Then there's Homecoming by the Teenagers which is a song about some almost incesty sex between a Brit guy and his American step-cousin.
I Am The Universe by Mellow Down Easy, and that you can find at WWW.SADSTEVE.COM which is awesome for downloading some obscure tunes.
And last but not least I can give you Give Blood by Rain Machine. It's kind of chaotic, but it's very nicely chaotic.
For anyone who loves dubstep, you must check out the
Shambhala 2009 Mix by Excision, which can be downloaded off their myspace here.
The song is an hour and a half long, but it's worth the wait. Referred to me by Hugo!
Then there's Homecoming by the Teenagers which is a song about some almost incesty sex between a Brit guy and his American step-cousin.
I Am The Universe by Mellow Down Easy, and that you can find at WWW.SADSTEVE.COM which is awesome for downloading some obscure tunes.
And last but not least I can give you Give Blood by Rain Machine. It's kind of chaotic, but it's very nicely chaotic.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
The business of being funny
I would hate to be a stand up comedian. I don't think I could ever be pressured into being funny like comedians are. Thing is, truly funny is spontaneous in my opinion, and I'm not saying stand-up isn't funny. Stand up is fucking hilarious.
I could never rehearse jokes, have them written down and then remembered. Then standing in front of people, thinking how much I'm being paid, and then telling the same jokes I've been telling for months now.
So kudos to you, stand-up comedians.
I could never rehearse jokes, have them written down and then remembered. Then standing in front of people, thinking how much I'm being paid, and then telling the same jokes I've been telling for months now.
So kudos to you, stand-up comedians.
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
The Backstabber Extracts
A while ago I started writing a short story called The Backstabber Extracts. It's a series of small paragraphs separated into periods of time. It's very oddly written, and just overall weird. It's terrible. Awful. Immoral.
And thus I must warn you if you read it, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Also, it's fiction. It's not personal, it's fiction. Imaginary. Unreal.
But still, read it, because I'm quite happy with it.
(CLICK THERE)
(NOT HERE THOUGH)
Monday, 5 April 2010
coffee shop mistake
Today my parents were in town, and whenever they're in town they go and have a cup of coffee. However, being new to the country and lacking the osmotic mind of a curious and immoral teenager, they had no idea that a coffee shop is not a coffee shop, but is more like a marijuana cafe.
So there's my parents, stepping into a coffee shop, thinking it really is a coffee shop, and stumbling out with bitter expressions, commenting in disgust at the despicable habits of these people. Druggies! All of them, crack'eads! (I don't think they know the difference between pot and crack..).Well, at least they don't do it on the streets, they conclude. If only they knew.
They come home, telling me this amusing story and I ask what the name of the coffee shop is (by mistake, I didn't realise what I'd asked until 2 seconds after), but luckily they'd forgotten, and didn't find my question out of place.
Yeah, if only they knew.
I thought it was pretty funny though.
So there's my parents, stepping into a coffee shop, thinking it really is a coffee shop, and stumbling out with bitter expressions, commenting in disgust at the despicable habits of these people. Druggies! All of them, crack'eads! (I don't think they know the difference between pot and crack..).Well, at least they don't do it on the streets, they conclude. If only they knew.
They come home, telling me this amusing story and I ask what the name of the coffee shop is (by mistake, I didn't realise what I'd asked until 2 seconds after), but luckily they'd forgotten, and didn't find my question out of place.
Yeah, if only they knew.
I thought it was pretty funny though.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
picspicspicspicspics
I'm lacking all my best pictures right now, so here's some to... yeah.
I'm off to search for some stunning pictures now. Cheerio.
Saturday, 3 April 2010
second hand breast implants
I know your life.
Your life is like my life, perhaps with more salt or less sugar. Maybe you've added a bit of spice or a little bit more sweetness. But at the bottom of everything, your life is my life and I know my life. Thus, I know your life.
You went to school. You started young, you took naps in preschool and played around with your friends, imaginary or not. You had a pet, or pets, or wished you had a pet. You learnt to speak, write and lie. You learnt to scare and be scared, to climb trees maybe, or ride a bike or to swim.
Then we're in primary school, and you learn some math and you learn about the pain in others, other countries and you wonder why nothing's done and the grown ups just tell you it's not that simple. You learn some swear words and feel fucking bad ass when you say them in other languages with other attitudes and that's when your parents start to think if maybe you're on the right track.
Your parents try to teach you life skills, like taking out the trash and washing dishes. You wonder why they need to be taught when they're not important to you at all. You begin developing a passion for something; football, art, music, books, TV, food, anger, languages, etc.
And then you're in secondary school. You're self conscious now, wondering if maybe you're not thin enough, or you don't have enough muscles. Maybe your skin is awful or your hair won't obey you. You're fine though, it's just you. You have your crush now but you're so unsure you don't want to do anything about it, or maybe you do but you're still nervous.
I think this is when you realise that you know your life. This is why we subconsciously rebel. We talk back and throw tantrums, we can't be bothered with anything, we don't care. We do things that are immoral or illegal. We try to break this cycle and destroy what we know will come to us. But then we end up dead, or wishing we're dead.
We finally get our heads out of our arses and those of us who cared enough go to university. We study, we work. We buy a house, a car and maybe we get a pet. We fall in love with security and safety, and get married. We have children if we can, and give them names that we like saying. We want to see ourselves in our children, but by now we've forgotten all we've done wrong. We fight with our partners and 2/3 of us will get divorced. We fight our children and 2/3 of them end up hating us.
Or we don't go to university. In which case we skip that part.
Then we play some bingo, finally get rid of some of them nasty habits from when we tried to be different, walk the beach and maybe dance the waltz with our shoes clacking on the parquet floor. We sing softly, alone or not alone, and we die, alone or not alone.
So I know your life. Maybe you'll get fed up with it and stop it somewhere in between or maybe you'll manage to stray enough for me to not know your life. You'll have tragedies but you'll be happy too. Maybe this is all you want, and that's fine too.
Your life is like my life, perhaps with more salt or less sugar. Maybe you've added a bit of spice or a little bit more sweetness. But at the bottom of everything, your life is my life and I know my life. Thus, I know your life.
You went to school. You started young, you took naps in preschool and played around with your friends, imaginary or not. You had a pet, or pets, or wished you had a pet. You learnt to speak, write and lie. You learnt to scare and be scared, to climb trees maybe, or ride a bike or to swim.
Then we're in primary school, and you learn some math and you learn about the pain in others, other countries and you wonder why nothing's done and the grown ups just tell you it's not that simple. You learn some swear words and feel fucking bad ass when you say them in other languages with other attitudes and that's when your parents start to think if maybe you're on the right track.
Your parents try to teach you life skills, like taking out the trash and washing dishes. You wonder why they need to be taught when they're not important to you at all. You begin developing a passion for something; football, art, music, books, TV, food, anger, languages, etc.
And then you're in secondary school. You're self conscious now, wondering if maybe you're not thin enough, or you don't have enough muscles. Maybe your skin is awful or your hair won't obey you. You're fine though, it's just you. You have your crush now but you're so unsure you don't want to do anything about it, or maybe you do but you're still nervous.
I think this is when you realise that you know your life. This is why we subconsciously rebel. We talk back and throw tantrums, we can't be bothered with anything, we don't care. We do things that are immoral or illegal. We try to break this cycle and destroy what we know will come to us. But then we end up dead, or wishing we're dead.
We finally get our heads out of our arses and those of us who cared enough go to university. We study, we work. We buy a house, a car and maybe we get a pet. We fall in love with security and safety, and get married. We have children if we can, and give them names that we like saying. We want to see ourselves in our children, but by now we've forgotten all we've done wrong. We fight with our partners and 2/3 of us will get divorced. We fight our children and 2/3 of them end up hating us.
Or we don't go to university. In which case we skip that part.
Then we play some bingo, finally get rid of some of them nasty habits from when we tried to be different, walk the beach and maybe dance the waltz with our shoes clacking on the parquet floor. We sing softly, alone or not alone, and we die, alone or not alone.
So I know your life. Maybe you'll get fed up with it and stop it somewhere in between or maybe you'll manage to stray enough for me to not know your life. You'll have tragedies but you'll be happy too. Maybe this is all you want, and that's fine too.
Friday, 2 April 2010
You're my water for chocolate
I just finished a book that was assigned to my English class called Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel. It's quite a short book, separated into 12 chapters, each named after a month of the year, and beginning with a recipe.
I like the book a lot. It made me sad. No, no it didn't. It made me think, and wish.
I want to fall in love like Tita. I want to glance at Pedro and exhange something completely otherwordly in that look. I want to feel the energy, fire, skin, sweat, sweetness, bitterness and everything else that comes with that love. That'll be it. One look, and I'll know, he'll know that this is the best we can ever get. That this is for us. Nothing else would matter, it would all be sorted out eventually but this is what you have to do, this is what you're both meant to do.
Love is too complicated nowadays. There are so many things that factor into it. We can't just choose love, crude and raw and bare. Neither could Rosaura, because she was not Tita and she didn't have a Pedro. Even if we don't mean to, we think about how the other person looks or portrays him/herself in society. We think about their wealth, if they can provide for us, though that's more 1950's than now (with exceptions). We think about what others will say. We think about where everything will lead to, how things will turn out, how soon is too soon, and all other kinds of ridiculous things.
I really, truly just want to be swept away. I want my fire.
However, that only happens in books where there is no limit or rules to love, lust, death, life, words, food, looks, places, dimensions and anything else you can imagine.
So for now, I'll be content with what I can have. I have to go pick up my own wood, and make my own fire to which I can draw someone, like a firefly to a flame. Or vice versa. Then we can sit around it, listening to soft music and saying nothing. Smoking, thinking, reading, painting, living, hallucinating, messing up and finally falling asleep.
Happy Friday.
I like the book a lot. It made me sad. No, no it didn't. It made me think, and wish.
I want to fall in love like Tita. I want to glance at Pedro and exhange something completely otherwordly in that look. I want to feel the energy, fire, skin, sweat, sweetness, bitterness and everything else that comes with that love. That'll be it. One look, and I'll know, he'll know that this is the best we can ever get. That this is for us. Nothing else would matter, it would all be sorted out eventually but this is what you have to do, this is what you're both meant to do.
Love is too complicated nowadays. There are so many things that factor into it. We can't just choose love, crude and raw and bare. Neither could Rosaura, because she was not Tita and she didn't have a Pedro. Even if we don't mean to, we think about how the other person looks or portrays him/herself in society. We think about their wealth, if they can provide for us, though that's more 1950's than now (with exceptions). We think about what others will say. We think about where everything will lead to, how things will turn out, how soon is too soon, and all other kinds of ridiculous things.
I really, truly just want to be swept away. I want my fire.
However, that only happens in books where there is no limit or rules to love, lust, death, life, words, food, looks, places, dimensions and anything else you can imagine.
So for now, I'll be content with what I can have. I have to go pick up my own wood, and make my own fire to which I can draw someone, like a firefly to a flame. Or vice versa. Then we can sit around it, listening to soft music and saying nothing. Smoking, thinking, reading, painting, living, hallucinating, messing up and finally falling asleep.
Happy Friday.
Thursday, 1 April 2010
Easter
I can't be bothered to talk about anything. I've been in a neutral mood the past two days. Kind of like "blah" and "bluh" put together. See, I'm not even making sense.
But, here are some cute images I found of easter...things.
(None religious, because I'm not religious. At all.)
But, here are some cute images I found of easter...things.
(None religious, because I'm not religious. At all.)
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