When a man loves a woman, can a woman still love herself?

I have recently began watering my love life. Not vigorously, perhaps as much as you would water a cactus. I've had quite a bit of criticism for it though, well not straight out criticism. God forbid I get offended. My motives have been questioned though.
This guy I find cute, let's name him Dante, has questioned my motives.

Do I like him (a little) because I'm lonely? For a while I thought maybe that was it. However, I've had several advances while I've been feeling like this, and I did not take the bait. Women, you do not need a man just because you are lonely. If you're lonely, all you need is some wine, your girlfriends, or if you're alone, some tickling the skittle. I only want men when I like them.

Okay, so do I think I like him (a little) because I'm having a premature mid-life crisis and feel like I need to bang out my life (literally)? Maybe! I admit I am having a premature mid-life crisis, but that has to do more with drinking at 1pm, dancing where there's no business dancing, telling rude people off, being nice to people who deserve it, and eating what I want, when I want. Not sex. No. That's... not my comfort zone, even though I'm all for breaking out of the comfort zone. It's a complex situation.

Actually no, it's quite simple. I'm not ready for intimacy. I'm ready for jokes and what-not.

Returning to the point at hand, and to the title of this post, "when a man loves a woman, can a woman still love herself?"
At what point are you beginning to please a man to make yourself happier? Is it when you make an excuse for why you are drinking at 1pm, instead of just because you want to. Is it when you pretend you haven't seen a movie just so he can tell you about it?
What's the line?
When do you stop loving yourself, in order to make him like you more?

BABY'S ON FIRE

I've been speaking to a friend, or I should say sister from another mister, today. I love her to bits. She really is like the sister I never had. Our personalities clash like the titans, but somehow our morals and ethics and all that fun stuff are equal. We know where we stand. She knows I like maths and art and fantasy and crap, and while she likes fashion and music and beauty, we are the same. The same pea from a different pod.

 Anyway, as I was saying... I was speaking with S (I'll name her S), and she had this thing, it was her thing, it was her thing that paralyzes her the same way that Josh does for me. Her thing was an abusive, mentally and physically, boyfriend. She has had a hard time accepting someone in her life, and despite the short time it has taken her to friend someone new, I don't judge her. I know how hard it has been for her and I really admire her. I love her for her ability to accept someone new after being through something so shit. I was there, I know it wasn't your typical "meh" attitude to your boyfriend or girlfriend. This was hard shit. Niet zo lekker.
 
I guess I'm avoiding the subject. 

I can't go through this whole business of dates, sex, not-sure-how-I/you-feel-about-you/me...stuff. I don't want to do that. I know how intimidating it is to hear from a girl straight off, no pretense whatsoever, "DUDE, I wanna fall in love, if you don't believe me... bugger off"

I hate to say this, but I'm goddamn lonely. I want to love, and I want to feel, kiss, and all this other stuff. But I know I can't skip steps 1, 2, 3 and 4 and go straight to the good stuff. But but but I hate the thoughts, you know when you're 16 and you're wondering if your crush likes you? I don't wanna do that. Fuck you. Do you like me? No? Cool. Yeah? Cool, let's bang. I'm joking, but that's pretty much how it goes with me. It will be bloody fucking hard to find someone who won't be intimidated by someone who wants to fall in love.

Man you know my past, what else did you expect?
Screw you all, I will lay the baggage out first time I meet you. If you feel like you can't or don't want to lift it then we are both wasting our time.

So that's my problem.

But I'm lonely. I want someone to love. Everyone is loving.

I'm glad my loss of love creating some relationships. I know it has. People told me it has. It makes me proud, but doesn't make me feel better.

our day will come

What I want to know

I'm going to be discussing a series of topics of which I haven't exactly honestly expressed my opinion of. Religion is always easy to write about since I dislike it so much, and anger and dislike are always easy emotions to decipher. In the future I'll be covering such things as drugs, school, society, ambition, and all sorts of fun things.

S E X

Sex is always interesting to write and read about, isn't it?
I recently spoke of this with a friend of mine. We are both girls, and yes, we are both fairly young.
Sex often comes with side effects, or side emotions, such as guilt or shame. These are very common with religious association and societal influences. Why, though? Sex among animals is frequent and not confined to one partner. Sex is a physical process that begins, lasts, and ends, and often results in offspring.
Luckily for us, we can prevent having children.

Anyway, I'll stop explaining all this and get to the point: many say sex is a magical and beautiful thing. I say it's not. I'm not saying it's the opposite or that it can't be magical or beautiful, since I for one, love it. But I do think that whoever says it's to be given only to people you're in a relationship with, or you love, or god forbid, one person only, are mistaken and missing out. Obviously I'm not saying that I sleep with random guys from random places- I don't. I'm saying, if you know your partner and make sure to be protected, and are not in a monogamous relationship already, there is nothing wrong with having sex with someone. There is definitely nothing wrong with having sex with someone you're in a relationship with, even if you've been together for a day, or even before you were together, kids. And I know people tell you it's not responsible, but as long as you're prepared (condoms kids, condoms) there's nothing wrong with it.

I find sex to be like a good conversation. You share something perhaps intimate with someone you probably know, and then it's over, you're left with the memories of that brilliant conversation (though sometimes... it's a dud). If you're lucky, you can keep speaking to that person for a while ;)
However if you're in a relationship, where you've agreed not to be polyamorous, it's obviously not right. Once you're in a relationship sex takes on a new meaning. It's still sex, but it's part of that relationship. It's no longer a conversation with someone you know, it's more than that.
But once it's over, or before it began...
It doesn't matter. Enjoy it, but be safe and... well, preferably be mostly sober.

I don't think that the amount of partners you've had makes you a slut or a manwhore or whatever you call each other nowadays, and neither does the amount of people you've fallen in love with (which is far more dangerous for your mental health). What makes that difference is lying. 

Sex is not restricted to a number of people, size, looks, gender, though place may sometimes be an issue.

Love is not a gift, it is a commodity, and as sharing is caring, we should be allowed to share love, physical or emotional, with anyone and everyone we wish.
Let's be sluts.
Except for now, I'll be sticking to one person.

Sounded more like a lecture, really. I'll do a better job next time.
If you guys have any suggestions on what to come up with an opinion for, tell me in the comments :)

Jean Luc Godard and Pornography

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN THIS PAGE IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SEE EXPLICIT IMAGES.

THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT IMAGES.

I haven't posted anything good for the past few days/week due to an extensive amount of the following

• Studying for exams
• Jean Luc Godard's films
• Very sexual photography

Jean Luc Godard is a French/Swiss film maker. My favourite film by him has to be Masculin/Feminin (1966 I think). It's absolutely breath taking. Vivre Sa Vie is also brilliant.

(clip from Masculin/Feminin)

But I know you don't really care too much for French cinema right now. Not when I've mentioned upcoming sex. Lately I've been looking at a lot of really sexual photography. Looking at some of them, I really wonder if pornography can be art. I know a lot of people who appreciate nude photography, even slightly sexual ones but they say once it turns explicit, it's no longer artistic. Now when I say pornography, I don't mean hardcore redtube porn or whatever it is you kids are into nowadays.

I mean

I realised most of the pictures are black and white. Does that make them seem less raw and more artistic to you, or is it all the same?

I don't know- what do you think? Do you just see the a screen shot of a lame porn film or what?

PS. I don't get off looking at these. Just so you won't need to wonder.

You're my water for chocolate

I just finished a book that was assigned to my English class called Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel. It's quite a short book, separated into 12 chapters, each named after a month of the year, and beginning with a recipe.

I like the book a lot. It made me sad. No, no it didn't. It made me think, and wish.
I want to fall in love like Tita. I want to glance at Pedro and exhange something completely otherwordly in that look. I want to feel the energy, fire, skin, sweat, sweetness, bitterness and everything else that comes with that love. That'll be it. One look, and I'll know, he'll know that this is the best we can ever get. That this is for us. Nothing else would matter, it would all be sorted out eventually but this is what you have to do, this is what you're both meant to do.

Love is too complicated nowadays. There are so many things that factor into it. We can't just choose love, crude and raw and bare. Neither could Rosaura, because she was not Tita and she didn't have a Pedro. Even if we don't mean to, we think about how the other person looks or portrays him/herself in society. We think about their wealth, if they can provide for us, though that's more 1950's than now (with exceptions). We think about what others will say. We think about where everything will lead to, how things will turn out, how soon is too soon, and all other kinds of ridiculous things.

I really, truly just want to be swept away. I want my fire.

However, that only happens in books where there is no limit or rules to love, lust, death, life, words, food, looks, places, dimensions and anything else you can imagine.
So for now, I'll be content with what I can have. I have to go pick up my own wood, and make my own fire to which I can draw someone, like a firefly to a flame. Or vice versa. Then we can sit around it, listening to soft music and saying nothing. Smoking, thinking, reading, painting, living, hallucinating, messing up and finally falling asleep.

Happy Friday.