S E X
Sex is always interesting to write and read about, isn't it?
I recently spoke of this with a friend of mine. We are both girls, and yes, we are both fairly young.
Sex often comes with side effects, or side emotions, such as guilt or shame. These are very common with religious association and societal influences. Why, though? Sex among animals is frequent and not confined to one partner. Sex is a physical process that begins, lasts, and ends, and often results in offspring.
Luckily for us, we can prevent having children.
Anyway, I'll stop explaining all this and get to the point: many say sex is a magical and beautiful thing. I say it's not. I'm not saying it's the opposite or that it can't be magical or beautiful, since I for one, love it. But I do think that whoever says it's to be given only to people you're in a relationship with, or you love, or god forbid, one person only, are mistaken and missing out. Obviously I'm not saying that I sleep with random guys from random places- I don't. I'm saying, if you know your partner and make sure to be protected, and are not in a monogamous relationship already, there is nothing wrong with having sex with someone. There is definitely nothing wrong with having sex with someone you're in a relationship with, even if you've been together for a day, or even before you were together, kids. And I know people tell you it's not responsible, but as long as you're prepared (condoms kids, condoms) there's nothing wrong with it.
I find sex to be like a good conversation. You share something perhaps intimate with someone you probably know, and then it's over, you're left with the memories of that brilliant conversation (though sometimes... it's a dud). If you're lucky, you can keep speaking to that person for a while ;)
However if you're in a relationship, where you've agreed not to be polyamorous, it's obviously not right. Once you're in a relationship sex takes on a new meaning. It's still sex, but it's part of that relationship. It's no longer a conversation with someone you know, it's more than that.
But once it's over, or before it began...
It doesn't matter. Enjoy it, but be safe and... well, preferably be mostly sober.
I don't think that the amount of partners you've had makes you a slut or a manwhore or whatever you call each other nowadays, and neither does the amount of people you've fallen in love with (which is far more dangerous for your mental health). What makes that difference is lying.
Sex is not restricted to a number of people, size, looks, gender, though place may sometimes be an issue.
Love is not a gift, it is a commodity, and as sharing is caring, we should be allowed to share love, physical or emotional, with anyone and everyone we wish.
Let's be sluts.
Except for now, I'll be sticking to one person.
Sounded more like a lecture, really. I'll do a better job next time.
If you guys have any suggestions on what to come up with an opinion for, tell me in the comments :)
Very interesting post, my dear foreigner. Speicifcally "amount of people you've fallen in love with (which is far more dangerous for your mental health)" which strikes a very resounding chord in my mind. Just a few points. Not criticism, exactly, but something I disagree with.
ReplyDelete"And I know people tell you it's not responsible, but as long as you're prepared (condoms kids, condoms) there's nothing wrong with it." Now, I'm an absurdly liberal person, and I am definitely in favor of sexual freedom. As long as you're not into children, dead people, or animals, I say go for it. But I will say that there is some level of truth in cautioning teenagers. People who say "Don't have sex until marriage/some arbitrary age/blah" are wrong. But there is a point at which you are ready, and in the experience of many people I've spoken to, at length, about this, if you're not ready, it really puts you off the whole experience.
I warn you, this whole comment is going to be messy, because I don't do well at staying on one topic. On monogamy, now. Jealousy is quite an ugly, hateful emotion, and I find it detestable in all circumstances. However, mass media, films, books, parents, teacher, everything we are ever taught tells us to be monogamous. For those of us that are polyamourous, it's awful. I think you're saying that being in multiple relationships is okay, and that it's okay to love multiple people, and I agree with that.
"However if you're in a relationship, where you've agreed not to be polyamorous, it's obviously not right." I know what you mean, but I just want to argue schemantics for a second. You cannot help being polyamorous, if you are. All you can control is if you act on it, which is the crucial difference between being a polyamorous person, and a polygamist.
I also agree with you that no one should be guilty or shamed becasue of the act of sex. Now, granted, circumstances might lead to someone feeling those emotions with due reason, but the actual action itself shouldn't result in either of them. In fact, the criminalization of sex is one of the biggest issues I take with most modern religions.
I'm going to meet you halfway on the subject of who you have with. Discounting all my straight boy friends (and some of them are so cute, it's truly a tragedy), looking only at my female friends, I'd probably have sex with about 75% of them given the chance. I would also want relationships with those 75% as well. Having started a relationship with a friend I didn't really desire physically, or want romantically, I realized that physicality and romance often compliment each other. It might be society teaching us that sex and love go together, in which case, tie me up and burn me as a proponent of societal bullshit, but in my experience, being physical feels better if there is SOME strong emotion behind it.
Basically, if you're physically attracted to someone, and like them, and it's mutual, nothing should stand in the way of physicality except for prior committments. I'm agreeing with you, mostly, so I don't know why I'm typing up this anyway. It's a fun subject to talk about, you're correct, so maybe that's why.
"Love is not a gift, it is a commodity". I think it falls somewhere between the two, actually. "we should be allowed to share love, physical or emotional, with anyone and everyone we wish." Definitely.
I wrote a really big, detailed comment on this post and then the shitty internet ate it. Fuck.
ReplyDeleteHell, there it is. Nevermind. My internet is apparently not as awful as it said.
ReplyDeleteOh I absolutely agree that sex is so much better when there is true and strong emotion there, it's emotionally so much more gratifying.
ReplyDeleteBut many say it's not right to have sex without that emotional tie. It can be purely physical and still be amazing.
Obviously love+sex is generally, or for me anyway, better, but just as you can have love without sex that is still amazing, you can have sex without love that is still amazing.
AND I've noticed that often that physical desire comes from being romantically involved with someone. Sometimes the other way round, but once you really get to know that person, or get to know how they make you feel.
or something. ;D
"But many say it's not right to have sex without that emotional tie. It can be purely physical and still be amazing." I wouldn't say that it's morally right or wrong, but it can be right or wrong for individuals. We shouldn't have some kind of Love Police making sure the only people who have sex are those in love, but for certain people, to my knowledge, the lack of emotional satisfaction drains most of the physical pleasure. It's a personal decision, and like all personal decisions, it should be made by a single person.
ReplyDelete"AND I've noticed that often that physical desire comes from being romantically involved with someone". This is very true. Or, rather, romantic involvement progresses physical desire past 'I think you're attractive' to 'I think we should be physically intimate'.
"or something. ;D" Kinky winks are kinky.
I agree with you. I don't know why sex has such negative stigma to it. It's one of the most natural acts ever. Humans are social creatures, physical intimacy is a need. But so many people continue to preach monogamy and abstinence even when they're not religious. It's becoming a social convention, which is why I guess those who don't conform gets labelled sluts and manwhores, etc. It's sad that such a normal and natural thing should be so shunned by certain parts of society.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely!
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong though, I personally prefer monogamous relationships, but don't judge those who prefer polyamory :p might try that some day.
"Those who label others sluts and manwhores are wrong, because people are not allowed to have opinions and should be forced to respect each-other's differences, not only in action but also in thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIn fact most people in the society only think differently from me because they are, well, intellectually underdeveloped. Only I interpret the complex concept of freedom correctly. Only I, and those who think like me, aren't conformed."
As to the topic, jealousy, which is why monogamy relationships are popular I would assume, is as natural and humane as sex itself. Should one defeat such an emotion with reason is radically questionable.
ReplyDeleteExample.
You have had sex with Joe more than once. One day you had sex with Paul. Joe found out and felt jealous. He wishes that you would only have sex with him. He's being unreasonable and therefore is a bad person.
Many people are Joes. They're all dicks because they are true to their own emotions.
That's not very tolerating.
Haha I would prefer a monogamous relationship as well.
ReplyDeleteBlake, of course jealousy is normal and Joes are definitely not dicks. It is extremely human and normal to want a monogamous relationship especially if we look at it from a psychological point of view because it ensures the couple that the resulting offsprings are theirs and not someone else's. And for many people, sex is also a prove of love. Of course Joe would be jealous because it would feel as though his partner loves Paul as well. However this blog post doesn't talk only about sex within relationships it also talks of sex before relationships. Of course if you're in a relationship, it would be nice if you could be monogamous, however if you're not in a relationship with anyone and has multiple sex partners, you shouldn't have to feel guilt and shame or be labelled as a slut, etc.
Oops, mistake. That wasn't Blake, I was replying to Anonymous. :P
ReplyDeleteSnowman's right. Jealousy is natural, and she's not talking about cheating or saying multiple relationships are the way to go.
ReplyDeleteThe point of the post was clearly to try and point out some of the injustice in a state of mind that somehow makes sex sinful and confined to one person only. Obviously some people have standards to having sex, just like some people have standards with having a conversation with someone... such as looks. Some people wait for love to have sex, and that seems to be a source of pride nowadays, as if you're somehow holier than thou.
What I got from this post is that sex is natural and real, and as long as you're not tied to someone, and as far as "one night stands" or even "one week flings" or summer "romances" go, it's okay.
I think it's totally okay to have sex without being in a relationship, or even agree on any romantic connections.
"Jealousy is quite an ugly, hateful emotion, and I find it detestable in all circumstances"
ReplyDelete<-that I disagreed with because it implied Joes are dicks.
Anyhow I was justifying the opinions, or this injustice if you will, from our mostly monogamists society, I suppose. However that doesn't make an opposing argument.
Just for the sake of the debate then.
People discriminate against you free-sex folks for the reason. The society holds certain values for a reason. A biological one even, and it's called evolution.
Therefore polygamy is biologically wrong because it ain't meant to be.
You're misunderstanding the point. No one here is saying tht everyone should just have sex with no strings attached with everyone. Using your own example, you didn't say whether the unnamed female is in a relationship with Joe. If she is, she shouldn't sleep with Paul. If she's not, then there isn't a problem. If Joe is jealous because he's sleeping with someone who is sleeping with other people, but they're not dating, he can either ask for an exclusive relationship or stop sleeping with her, but he doesn't really have much right to be jealous if there's no committment.
ReplyDeleteAs for your comment about biology. Biology doesn't work like that. In fact, using biology to justify doesn't turn out like "Everyone should be monogamous to produce offspring". Actually, it comes out a little more like this, "Men, having no prolonged physical tie to their children, should be as polygamous as possible, to produce a wide range of offspring." I think most of us would find that sexist to insinuate that promiscuous men are somehow justified in their attiude, due to biology.
Our species is NOT threatened right now. If there were only 100 humans left, it might be prudent to suggest monogamy, because if one man fathered 50 children, one with each woman, we'd end up with a very soured genepool. But that also impies that we'd be forcing people to breed for the good of the species. Which, if you don't get the tone coming through, is something I find disgusting.
We are not biologically inclined towards monogamy or polygamy. There is no such thing as Human Society. In Western Society, yes, the norm is monogamy. In other places, it is polygamy practiced by men taking multiple wives. In others, women take multiple husbands. Don't invoke science unless you can actually prove what you're saying, more than just give a blanket statement that doesn't hold true for the whole of the Human Race.
You don't have to practice free-love or free-sex. I advocate for it on the basis of choice. People should choose what is right for them, and that might be one, stable relationship in their whole life, or many brief ones, or a few that overlap.