BABY'S ON FIRE

I've been speaking to a friend, or I should say sister from another mister, today. I love her to bits. She really is like the sister I never had. Our personalities clash like the titans, but somehow our morals and ethics and all that fun stuff are equal. We know where we stand. She knows I like maths and art and fantasy and crap, and while she likes fashion and music and beauty, we are the same. The same pea from a different pod.

 Anyway, as I was saying... I was speaking with S (I'll name her S), and she had this thing, it was her thing, it was her thing that paralyzes her the same way that Josh does for me. Her thing was an abusive, mentally and physically, boyfriend. She has had a hard time accepting someone in her life, and despite the short time it has taken her to friend someone new, I don't judge her. I know how hard it has been for her and I really admire her. I love her for her ability to accept someone new after being through something so shit. I was there, I know it wasn't your typical "meh" attitude to your boyfriend or girlfriend. This was hard shit. Niet zo lekker.
 
I guess I'm avoiding the subject. 

I can't go through this whole business of dates, sex, not-sure-how-I/you-feel-about-you/me...stuff. I don't want to do that. I know how intimidating it is to hear from a girl straight off, no pretense whatsoever, "DUDE, I wanna fall in love, if you don't believe me... bugger off"

I hate to say this, but I'm goddamn lonely. I want to love, and I want to feel, kiss, and all this other stuff. But I know I can't skip steps 1, 2, 3 and 4 and go straight to the good stuff. But but but I hate the thoughts, you know when you're 16 and you're wondering if your crush likes you? I don't wanna do that. Fuck you. Do you like me? No? Cool. Yeah? Cool, let's bang. I'm joking, but that's pretty much how it goes with me. It will be bloody fucking hard to find someone who won't be intimidated by someone who wants to fall in love.

Man you know my past, what else did you expect?
Screw you all, I will lay the baggage out first time I meet you. If you feel like you can't or don't want to lift it then we are both wasting our time.

So that's my problem.

But I'm lonely. I want someone to love. Everyone is loving.

I'm glad my loss of love creating some relationships. I know it has. People told me it has. It makes me proud, but doesn't make me feel better.

Repair Man

I've felt like my life is a bit of a...shambles lately. I dart around from one side of the room to the other, frantic little beady eyes flashing like strobe lights, lids closing and lips twitching- like. One day I feel fine the other I want to jump off the edge of the world if the world were still flat. This happens because I have let it happen, and I am the cause of it myself, or not all of it, but I let it go on.

I am fixing things, all of what bothers me. My family is one, and I've already started with that, earning their trust and perhaps, hopefully, soon they will like me again. It starts off with little things like Khukhu said, sitting with them to watch a film and smiling when they crack a joke regardless of whether it is amusing or not, and keeping my mouth shut when I wish to say something sarcastic. So far it is working well, and I'm not too miserable faking.

Another one is I need to work to get what I want. There is a friend I have lost that I want to get back. There is a friend I wish to re-friend. And so I will. Sometimes, like Khukhu said, all you need to do to fix things is be yourself and it falls into place. Sometimes. Yes, he is probably right in this case, but perhaps I need to let it shine a little more. A little more sunshine into your life.

I can do this, because I am Kristiina. I can get into universities I want to get into, as long as it is realistic. If I got it once, I can get it again.
Everyone gets a second chance, except at life.
So I cannot just sit around waiting for them to fall in my lap.
I have to... nudge things along.

And so I will.