BABY'S ON FIRE

I've been speaking to a friend, or I should say sister from another mister, today. I love her to bits. She really is like the sister I never had. Our personalities clash like the titans, but somehow our morals and ethics and all that fun stuff are equal. We know where we stand. She knows I like maths and art and fantasy and crap, and while she likes fashion and music and beauty, we are the same. The same pea from a different pod.

 Anyway, as I was saying... I was speaking with S (I'll name her S), and she had this thing, it was her thing, it was her thing that paralyzes her the same way that Josh does for me. Her thing was an abusive, mentally and physically, boyfriend. She has had a hard time accepting someone in her life, and despite the short time it has taken her to friend someone new, I don't judge her. I know how hard it has been for her and I really admire her. I love her for her ability to accept someone new after being through something so shit. I was there, I know it wasn't your typical "meh" attitude to your boyfriend or girlfriend. This was hard shit. Niet zo lekker.
 
I guess I'm avoiding the subject. 

I can't go through this whole business of dates, sex, not-sure-how-I/you-feel-about-you/me...stuff. I don't want to do that. I know how intimidating it is to hear from a girl straight off, no pretense whatsoever, "DUDE, I wanna fall in love, if you don't believe me... bugger off"

I hate to say this, but I'm goddamn lonely. I want to love, and I want to feel, kiss, and all this other stuff. But I know I can't skip steps 1, 2, 3 and 4 and go straight to the good stuff. But but but I hate the thoughts, you know when you're 16 and you're wondering if your crush likes you? I don't wanna do that. Fuck you. Do you like me? No? Cool. Yeah? Cool, let's bang. I'm joking, but that's pretty much how it goes with me. It will be bloody fucking hard to find someone who won't be intimidated by someone who wants to fall in love.

Man you know my past, what else did you expect?
Screw you all, I will lay the baggage out first time I meet you. If you feel like you can't or don't want to lift it then we are both wasting our time.

So that's my problem.

But I'm lonely. I want someone to love. Everyone is loving.

I'm glad my loss of love creating some relationships. I know it has. People told me it has. It makes me proud, but doesn't make me feel better.

This house

There's not mirrors in this house. She can't bear to see her own face. There's no scales, no glass and no shiny surfaces, for any reflection of any kind might give her the sense she's actually human. If she were to see herself, she might have some sort of self worth. It's all fine though, since there are no reflective surfaces in this house.

There's no keys in this house. He can't bear to breathe the pure outside air. There are no windows, just walls. If he had the chance to see, hear, feel or breathe what's outside, he might get the sense that there's actual freedom. If he were to yearn for freedom, he might have some sort of self worth. It's all fine though, since there are no keys or windows in this house.

There's no food in this house. They can't bear to eat anything. There are no cupboards full of cans, and no refrigerator with milk, for they might get the feeling they were once alive. If they were to know they were alive, they might feel like they have purpose, they might have some sort of self worth. It's all fine though, since there is no food in this house.

There are no people in this house. You can't bear to see anyone. There are no mothers or father, sons or daughters, no sisters or brothers. If you would ever see any trace of family, you might feel like you're worth something. You might have some sort of self worth. It's all fine though, since you're all alone, for there are no people in this house.

There is no meaning in this house. I couldn't bear the idea of meaning. There is no knowledge, no care, no love in this house. If I were to ever get the sense of meaning, I might have some sort of self worth. It's all fine though, since there is no purpose and no meaning in this house.