Dear " "

If I ever pushed you away, I didn't mean to.
When I told you I don't want to talk about it, or I have nothing to say, I do, I am just looking for the right words. Give me a minute and if I can tell you, I will.
I try to be a struggling mix of real and perfect at the same time. At the moment, I am working on that ratio, which is somewhere close to 7:4.
When I get quiet sometimes, really quiet, it is because I have too much to say. I have thought of too many things to tell you all at once, and I don't know what to say first.
I get immaturely jealous of anyone who gets to speak to you and touch you and see you on a daily basis. You see, I missed you and miss you really easily.
But I also like that we can be so apart and we are both okay. Space is good. Space is good too.
I love the way we love some of the same things, and I love how we love entirely different things.
My head is a complicated pile of thoughts,
and fears,
and cravings,
and dreams,
and this tangled up nostalgia for the past and, somehow, for the future.
I am flawed and I am human and I am broken and I am trying.
And I am one person.
And I am to hands and I am one heart.
And I loved you, and I love you, and I am glad you were there.

The girl on the tram

She walked on to the tram in plimsoles, faded jeans and a peacoat jacket. She sat down on a single seat, facing the opposite direction from the one the tram was travelling to. It was the last seat in that column of seats; she could only sit on the last single seat facing the opposite direction.

She sat with her legs crossed, she has bow-shaped legs, so she is not comfortable when her legs are not crossed. Or perhaps she feels more put together, more tied up and thus less likely to fall apart. She did not move.

She did not move for the whole ride, except for a few flickers of the eyes when an unwanted thought crossed her mind. Every few minutes she would look down at her iPod to check the name of the song playing. She never changed the song. It was probably a force of habit.

In her hands she held her iPod, her phone and her tram card. She clutched them all tightly, the iPod on top, phone in the middle and her tram card on the bottom. Routine. A loud beep signalled she received a text message; she looked down to see the flashing light but did not check the message.

She was not ugly. She was beautiful, made so by a thin layer of makeup that made her lips a little bit more red, a little bit more shapely; and her eyes a little bit wider and elegantly shaped, and her cheekbones a little higher and a little more defined. Made so by careful blow drying and straightening of hair. In reality, the tip of her nose was a little too round, and her cheeks were a little too chubby, and her eyes a little too set-in.

She was not beautiful, but it was difficult to picture a man who didn't know her who would say he wouldn't fuck her. In other words, she was probably much uglier in personality than in looks. Or perhaps not.

She did not look up, but at her stop she stood up and quietly walked out of the tram, simultaneously putting away the phone in one pocket, and the iPod in the other, to balance out the weight. The card she kept in her hand. She would have probably broken had she moved any more.

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Awesome Cartoons I Go Back to When I Miss Being a Kid

1. RUGRATS: Not only is it the ultimate of baby-dom, but it also contains humour and twist enough for 17-year old me to still enjoy. Besides, "dampylions" and "itchinations" and other such words definitely tickle my fancy.
2. COW AND CHICKEN: The combination of disgusting and amusing totally makes me think of those times you try to wipe your snot on your best mate in kindergarten.
3. TOM AND JERRY: There is obviously no explanation needed for this, obviously.
4. DONALD DUCK: As a Finn, I'm excessively fond of Donald Duck, and anything bearing him just reminds me of waking up on Saturday mornings, having my cold chocolate (I hated warm... anything) some toast with cucumber and sitting down to watch the cartoons.
5. DUCK TALES: Not to be confused with classic Donald Duck, you can't dislike the adventures of Duckberg!