Tuesday, 28 May 2013

An itch I can't scratch

This country has nothing more to offer me. It has run me dry, and is now causing me to begin fucking up the few relationships I have here that I treasure.
Being not homeless, but yet homeless, means I need to stay at friend's houses. The rules are different in every household, and lines that are in different places. It is completely possible to cross that line, or break a rule, without really realising. I just get a gut feeling when I'm doing something, saying hmm, maybe this won't be accepted. In my idiocy I ignore that feeling, calling myself paranoid.
I mean, it's not a massive deal. I understood, I was understood, no harm done now. Yet, I cannot help feeling selfish and humiliated and this nagging feeling won't let me be. Perhaps it is good that I am moving to Finland, I will live with family and I've known the rules for the last 20 years. God, this feeling is like an itch you can't scratch.

I am petrified that their opinion of me has changed. This must be ridiculous.

I am trying to scratch but I just can't reach it.


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