Scratch My Back

So, it's been a while. Quick quick update on my life: work uni work party uni work party. In short, I've been very busy, but as anyone who's read my blog from the beginning of beginnings, you should know I have a constant stream of bizarre crap in my head and quite frankly if I were to put that on Facebook I'm sure my friends would ship me off to a mental hospital.
I've got a mouth full of diamonds and a pocket full of secrets.

The boy is scared of the girl, but the girl misses her mother. They undress each other and with it goes their childhood, socks and all. For a second they'll forget how they were taught to strive for the impossible, to feel homesick for a place that doesn't, never has and never will, exist.
I wish I could kiss you like I did back when I believed in victory and death and destiny.

I've always felt a little alone my whole life, but never lonely. Especially a while ago, oh I was the happiest girl you'd know. I've felt little pokes of the old man's solitude. You know the one that claws up your throat and makes it hard to breathe, when you stand alone in your kitchen and know that there is no one in the house, no one you can call and no one you can talk to. The one that makes you want to reach for a bottle but you don't because you know alcoholism runs in your family and girl, you don't want to go down that road. Oh but I do. I won't.

When I was a child I used to run out of school on breaks with my best friend, we would go find a fountain that was of course, frozen, it being Finland and all. We sat there for the whole lesson until one day my teacher found us. We were 9 and being 9, I didn't know what was wrong or right or kind of wrong or a bit right or somewhere in between. I said it was all my friend's fault- I've been paying for it ever since and in the future, I believe I'll always try and take the blame.
We also used to make concoctions with chemicals and things, then see what happens. Once I forgot it in my pocket and it exploded in the bus. That stuff smelled horrible, I think it had washing powder, some CIV liquid, and some other random crap.
No wonder our Finnish teacher kept a bottle of vodka in the cupboard. He was sacked for paedophilia.

Tomorrow I'll wake up with the usual shaking and shivering and a mouth full of diamonds or- dry hay.
Drunkard thought my mother was my boyfriend.

Maybe I'm doing this to lessen the old man's solitude. Make it more a post-break up loneliness. I broke up with my family, they moved away. I've been dumped.
The boy fears the girl who misses her mother.
The girl who misses her mother doesn't even notice the boy, only wants to scratch his back with her sharp red nails to not be alone.

Would you like me to take you away from here?

Side effects of sexual frustration are:

• Weight gain
• Depression
• Hypermania
• Stress
• Mood swings
• Low self esteem
• More weight gain (replace sex with food)
• Excessive consumption of porn/tumblr/"romantic" novels
• Short attention span
• Hair loss?

Am I missing some? 

Sometimes we have moments of genuine existence. Those are when you fear you're not doing right by your life. And you vow to do something about it. You don't.

You don't really listen until you're about to die. But then you live and forget it all.

We pray in desperation and when granted wishes we thank the lord who made us desperate.

We kiss the hand that feeds us, the hand that wipes its own ass with our food.

They've told me if you wake up, if you walk down the street, if you meet someone, if you buy something, if you hear something, if you eat something,
if you live,
you have to do it with your heart and mind open.
And all the happiness of the world will fall in you.

Guess it's kind of a gradient.

Gabi is fucking awesome.

Tips for IB students

I know a lot of kids all over the world doing the IB (International Baccalaureate), and as any normal IB kid, 40% of my conversations are about the IB and the exams.

Here are some tips from teachers, current students and past students:

• Do not complete over 150 hours of CAS. It is unnecessary and not required, and you will not get any extra points but will only waste your time (unless it will benefit you in the exams).
• Do your extended essay over the summer, everyone will tell you this. If not, good luck tearing your hair out.
• No one understands TOK, so you don't have to either. Make sure to quote philosophers or experts in an area, relate personal experiences as well as use all Ways of Knowing and at least three Areas of Knowledge in your essay.
• In your TOK presentation, make sure you understand the marking criteria because it is extremely easy to misunderstand them. If you are unsure, ask your teacher.
• For your English unseen commentary, prose is usually easier to do since it is harder to misunderstand. Approach the text from as many angles as possible, and explain each one. You should discuss the setting, narrative, tone, writing style, chronology, plot and imagery (in an order similar to that one) perhaps dedicating a paragraph or two to each.
• For your Biology exams, know your definitions. Sometimes you can fish a point or two simply by defining necessary terms even though you do not know the answer. For example: Describe homeostasis in relation to blood glucose concentration in humans. This question is worth 6 points, and although it does not ask to define homeostasis, you can get at least one point simply for defining homeostasis.
• For History- know your dates and order of events. Also, for essay type questions make sure to write a very good introduction- 90% of examiners say they have already decided how good the essay will be based on the introduction!
• Mathematics, memorise the formula booklet and some extra formulas. This is important as you will understand the formulas better than just recognising them, and you won't waste time looking for them in the booklet.
• When answering a math question, write down all the formulas you think you might use in answering it. If you do not know how to answer the question, identify as many variables as possible because sometimes you get a point simply for stating the variables or plugging them into an equation!
• Do not leave any question blank! However leave the ones you cannot answer to the end, where you have gotten the easy points out of the way.
• Do not answer unnecessary questions!
• For Visual Arts, your talking counts for a major part of your grade. Make sure you are extremely good at bullshitting and speaking with confidence.

The radio staggers against the backspace!

That Saturday began at 10am, when I woke up to hear my lovely mother, or something to that sort, screaming at my brother to get the fuck out of the shower, there's 5 other people in this house! Groggy and groaning, I lay in bed until I heard them all leave the house, my little brother had football practise or a basketball game or some drug deal he had to attend to that all my family except I, wished to see. Who knows. A shower where I stand for 15 minutes, 10 minutes past the allowed limit until my skin is burning pink from the heat, and then quickly dress myself and dash outside for a quick cigarette. With my book, I had a book. It's called Love Medicine and talks a lot about alcohol, sex and Indians. I love that book.

I saw some students on the school roof, some were reading and some were just sitting there. They had clothes on that I would not wear in my dreams, but then again I'm sure they wouldn't wear mine either. The bell went and they left, and they left and left a guitar behind. Some people are quite careless.

Then of course my family came back, after my reading of some alcoholic Indian sex, a cup of coffee and creation of cancer. When they come back it's like Charlie Sheen- you have one gear: "GO." Clean, cook, call bank, transfer money, clean, cook, check dishwasher, wash clothes, clean, forget something, eat, clean, empty dishwasher, finish laundry, breathe... and then realise you have to leave to town in 20 minutes and your hair's a mess and you're wearing sweatpants. Whisk on some clothes and slap on some slap and you're good to go, girl.

I've never been much of a material girl, I'll tell you that much. But when I walked in there and saw the sparkly floors and soft light, the people in suits and skirts, I understood why people like money. Of course you need to swat away a few of the 44 year old perverts and sweet talk the barmaid on your birthday to get some rosy drinks cause you're a rosy cheeked birthday girl.
In the end I wasted 90 euros, because I don't care much for money.

It's always a little surprising, or shocking, or gut-wrenching, to bump into someone you used to know. Then you feel a bit giddy and happy and you get those little crawling bugs in the pit of your stomach because let's face it, you're a tiny bit tipsy and all your insecurities sort of disappear, and you feel whatever you want to feel. And I felt happy. Until I realised it was a bit awkward. So then I became sad.

My taxi driver was an Indian-South African called Farid or Faarid or something. He has lived here in Holland for 16 years. He didn't speak much English, but he told me I was a good girl, going home on time like that and with about as much as a glass of wine in my system. He said I was pretty too. I said I lived in Johannesburg. He said it was a very bad place to live.

And then it was silent.