Monday, 28 June 2010

Let's do something differently

This is a more of a "let me tell you my problems since I have no one else to tell" post. You probably should not read on due to excessive amounts of whining and just general stupidity.

Hey, how are you?
Yeah good, good you know. School's going pretty good and my relationship is amazing! And you?
(This is where I think, well, I don't want to rain on their parade).
Yeah, fine as well, thanks.

How about, no? I'm not going to say I'm not okay, I'm perfectly okay. I'm just not good, and sometimes I wish someone could see that. And someone does.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah.
You sure?
Yeah, of course.
How about, no? When did it become unacceptable in my mind to not be okay? Why can't I just say "Hey, my name is Kristiina Heikura and this is what's bothering me: ..."

Of course, that's due to me not having good enough friends to do that. I love my friends. I have my chatter box girl friends, and I have my more friend-like friendships with people who know who they are, and I have my 3 very close friends... in Australia, Egypt, and South Africa. So I guess it's safe to say I don't really talk to any one about anything serious. Especially to my boyfriend- when is it an acceptable time to admit you might have more issues than they think?

Are you okay?
Umn... I guess so.
You guess so?
Well, not completely. But mostly yeah.
What's wrong?
Well... (I say well when I need to think of how to phrase what I want to say) how can I say this? I don't choose this, and I don't want this, but I don't think I have much chance of recovery right now. My parents haven't spoken to me since I got back from Paris, or well sorry I lie I lie, I do that sometimes and I'm sorry, my dad spoke to me, he was nice to me, until their love rekindled and now they're two little love birdies in love again. I'm not the type of person to be bitter about someone being back together, unless it's bad for all parties involved and trust me, this time they should be able to choose, or at least want this.
Why have a family with people you hate? Or at least strongly dislike. I have heard nothing but yelling and screaming and shouting and criticizing since I came back, when I actually hear something. Bring the buckets by the dozens because I think this might catch ablaze. This is going back to a place I don't like, back to some other time, with another person, to somewhere I don't visit and I don't think back to. Now it's inevitable though, because this is exactly where it is going. I would spill it, and tell you of that monster who spent four years with us, but let's be honest- you're not really that interested.
I have no one to tell this to.
I can't say, "Hey, I think my step-mum might be turning into a Päivi. I'm scared and I don't know what to do, since I don't speak to my dad and he wouldn't listen to me anyway."
I don't want to tell people I know, in case they don't listen, or in case they forget.

There's more to it, kids, but I'm pretty closed up when it comes to really personal things, and that's all that I can get through this door.
And now I'm done.

I promise I'll be back to normal posts in a few days.

1 comment:

  1. Blake from America11 July 2010 at 21:21

    I don't suppose this helps much, because I've been in these types of moods fairly often, and I don't think it would help me much if someone said it to me, but...
    I find you extraordinarily interesting.

    Oh, also
    "Why can't I just say "Hey, my name is Kristiina Heikura and this is what's bothering me: ...""
    Well, minus the introduction, since I've already met you, a conversation being with "this is what's bothering me" would not be at all out of place with me, so feel free to drop me an email or MSN or somesuch.