I have this huge issue with life.
My issue with life is that I see no point in it. Hold up a sec though, when I say I see no point in it I mean I don't see any point in what is valued today. Life itself is amazing, and I want to experience every single thing and emotion at its extreme. But this, this life makes me panic, and it makes me anxious. It makes me want to run, run, run and not turn back.
Thing is, I don't see myself going to university so I can learn a profession, and then move on to work with or without my degree so I can afford a life of comfort, then accept an adequate man (or woman, who knows, I might turn lesbian) because he has money and I want nice dresses and books and a house in the country, and we'll have 2 brats, one of which becomes successful and brilliant, and the other hates everything and ends up shooting up in parks and accidentally killing himself by eating a pigeon with AIDS... or something.
This is what I panic about.
If I go to university I want to do it because I want a) to learn something NOT because I want to make a career about it, but because I'm curious and/or passionate.. like literature or archaeology and b) for the experience of prolonging the growing up stage a little longer.
I don't want to live in adequacy and emotional stability. I don't want to have to sort through bills and bills, and cry to my girlfriends about how I have no one in my life to lean on, thus making them feel like crap and making me a crap friend.
And it fucking scares me, because I am considering university, and considering architecture. Why? It's artistic and they make enough money. And that comforts me, but it scares and disappoints me.
Because this is what I want
I don't know what I want. But I don't care if I don't know either. I want to see, feel, taste, smell everything I can. I want to go around the world, penniless or a millionaire I really don't care, I want to listen to music I like and meet people. I want to fall in love whether it be just this once or a thousand times more and I want to wake up in the morning feeling like I can do anything I want.
I don't want to have to think about whether I can afford to live.
I don't want to have to think about what other people think of me.
I want to have the ability to walk around in Paris, but also to climb a mountain, and to swim naked without judgement. I want to write without having to think if it'll ever sell. I want to paint without having to think if it's good enough.
The system we're in is all a contest to be the best, the richest, the smartest, the most beautiful.
And I know it's hypocritical since I'm also scared of social perceptions of me, I do it all the time. I suppress myself in the fear that I'm being judged for being too out there, too emotional and too care-free, too do-what-I-feel-like. Thus I pretend to stress about exams (except maths, I always stress for maths), I try to control the way I portray my emotions to a certain someone.. and I try to show that I really care about quitting unhealthy habits (and I really don't). About an hour ago I asked if a friend was bringing heels to Paris because I didn't want to look like the odd one out with heels.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO CARE LIKE THIS.
I want to live on animal instincts, to be truly free to do what I want and what I need to do. To fall in love, and be unhealthy as long as it's good.
Humanity still needs to progress.
We live in a dictatorship controlled by our own social norms.