Saturday, 26 June 2010

Why do I smell?

Do you ever have that feeling where you just smell? You smell and no matter how many showers you take it doesn't rinse off. So you shake, and you shiver and you cover yourself in other smells because you don't want anyone to smell you. Cucumber. Lemon. Burberry beat. Deo. Air freshener.
When people pass you they scrunch up their nose and their eyes squint, they turn their head rapidly to one side and step away from you. You're dirty, covered in muck and dust, and everyone can see it, smell it, feel it. You emanate filth. That's what guilt and fear look like.

Some people say I think too much, so I thought about it and I think they should shut the fuck up.

Sometimes I feel like people can read my mind, because my mind, my thoughts, they're so loud and there's so many of them, how can they not hear? That's when I get filthy, and I feel like people can see everything I am and what I've done. And then I think- what have I done? Absolutely nothing.
Put some thought into it.

I was wondering if you felt the same way.
You already know I do.

Maybe slowly all that faux-filth will wash off, because it's there for no reason. You're picking it off, bit by bit. 'Cause every time I try something comes along, and it all comes back. I'm not guilty, because nothing I've done is a crime.

I'm just a bit annoyed.
It doesn't matter.
No, tell me.

Maybe this is why people turn to god. That overpowering feeling of guilt and filth and fear of not being loved and wanted- at least god will give you that. He'll wash you and love you and want you.
But although I prefer living in an imaginary world to reality any day, I think I'll put god off for a while longer. Let's see if I can really piss him off.

Let's partake in a bit of thought, in a bit of love, and let's get clean.

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